It’s morning rush hour in Tokyo. In front of me is Red Neck Tie. The incoming crowd is slowly pushing his musky after-shave towards me. Behind me is Crossword Puzzle. His briefcase has wedged itself snugly into the back of my thigh.

To my left, an Office Lady is sitting down methodically caking on her makeup like a bricklayer.

To the initiated, this situation can end as a hassle-free commute to your office building, shop or unemployment office; but for the novice, this can end as an 8:00am, caffeine-deprived battle, like an afternoon stroll in Afghanistan.

Entering

Prior to entering, one important thing to note is that your fellow commuters are not yet your competition. Everyone still has a common goal of getting on the next train so until then, enjoy the current luxury of space on the platform.

Stretching is also recommended, as a cramp can seriously hinder your chances of a successful commute. One way to better position yourself for the battle ahead is to queue as close to the front of the platform as possible.

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position at the end of the line, simply form a new row next to the people in front. Do not worry about the initial awkwardness, as other impatient commuters will seize the opportunity and begin lining up behind you.

Jean Claude van Damme in Time Cop has taught me that two people cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So when the train approaches, remember to stand to the side of the doors.

New people cannot get into a train, if the previous people cannot get out. It is at this time, however, that the amateurs are separated from the professionals.

Time your entry to when the final two people are exiting. Using your fellow commuters as a human shield, force your way into the train. Do not worry about seniors or children falling over, as they can be written off as a business expense if the appropriate forms are filled out (Refer to your HR manager).

Commuting I

If you were one of the lucky ones to have found a seat, congratulations, you have just won at life. For the rest of us, however, we are left to fend for ourselves amongst a sea of human bodies.

If you find yourself next to a female, both hands must be locked onto one of the plastic rings from the ceiling.

This importantly labels you as a ‘safe’ commuter; excluding you as a train molester. If a handle is not immediately accessible, putting your hands straight up is a common sight in Japan, while shouting ‘I am not a molester’.

Though crowded, personal space is still highly valued amongst seasoned commuters. At no time should any object, inanimate or otherwise, come into contact with your groinal region.

To enforce this safe-zone, the use of briefcases or jackets should be subtly interjected between the offending object and your groinal region.

This should allow for the international standard of a 10cm safe radius. Abrupt movements should also be avoided as these have been shown to startle neighbouring passengers leading to unintentional contact and awkward stares.

Commuting II

Standing up is hard work. We’ve all done it. This strenuous activity is made even tougher by having sleep-deprived settlers trying to annex your land with every bump of the train. To recoup some precious sleep before work starts, one proven strategy is to sleep while standing. Start by scouting a potential sleeping post. This should be either a fixed object such as a handrail or a sturdy commuter.

Sturdy commuters can be easily distinguished by having some of the following features:

1. Low center of balance
2. Grizzly beard
3. Broad shoulders.

Please note: if this commuter is also carrying a war axe, you have identified a Wood Dwarf. Please start again. When the train bumps you in the direction of your intended target, remain there and pretend that the crowd is pushing you on to your sleeping post. Congratulations, you are now sleeping.

With five stations to go, even the most seasoned commuters get bored. One way to distract yourself from the discomfort of going to work is by reading your neighbour’s material. Position yourself so you are facing their general direction with a LOS (line-of-sight) towards their reading material. When appropriate take occasional glances at their magazine or newspaper, and quickly return your gaze above the commuter.

When they become suspicious of you, your eyes will be innocently fixed on the ceiling. If those around you do not have any reading material, staring at cleavage is a safe and fun way to pass the time. Please note: daydreaming about ‘Twilight’, or designer shoes are acceptable substitutes for women.

Exiting

You’ve made it to your destination, but you are now stuck mid-train carriage. Disembarking is made easier by following the slipstream of commuters exiting and closing in tightly to draft the commuter ahead of you. By catching a draft wind, exiting efficiency has been shown to improve by 32%* (*accurate at time of posting). Another method commonly employed is the ‘battering ram’ approach.

Begin by grabbing any immediately available object: briefcases, small children, or plant. Using your commandeered object, force yourself through the crowd towards the door. Shouting such phrases as, “There’s diarrhoea leaking down my leg!” or “My water broke!” are much more effective at parting crowds then politely saying, “Excuse me”. Blaming other commuters for missing your stop is a foul and a breach of train etiquette.

Penalties for infractions can range from passive aggressive stares, to being forced to sit next to the crazy homeless guy at the end of the carriage.

By following the aforementioned advice, not only will you have arrived at your destination, but you should also be fully rested for your day ahead. You’ve conquered the most stressful part of the day, so avoiding being laid-off should now be made easier.

Ambrose Lau

A Canadian based out of Tokyo, Ambrose Lau’s pursuit for new experiences, foods and cultures have taken him to over 100 cities in over 20 countries. In his free time, he can be found scouring the city for vintage timepieces, or playing futsal atop Tokyo skyscrapers.

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